freakingID

Some punky pumpkins in the 600 block

I got up on time yesterday, because we had our “IT Department Retreat,” and were leaving “on time.”

For our retreat, the department voted to choose my recommendation of a tour at Wolfram Research, just down the street. I was surprised they chose that, but pleased, because all the other options were out-of-town and probably stupid. The recent launch of WolframAlpha also planted several questions in my head for the tour.

Do rainy days keep gooberheads away? He's not here.

This morning’s walk to work had me thinking about feelings that came to me during yesterday’s tour. I’ve been out of sorts lately, despite leading a fairly charmed life, and have been looking under life stones and checking dark corners frantically for some salvation.

West is so boring

During the visit, I had a Eureka! moment.

I’ve been feeling lately that a technical career maybe just isn’t for me. That’s scary, since most of my eggs are in the tech basket, and I don’t know what else I could do to make enough money for our already-modest lifestyle. Also, many aspects of technology appeal to me, and I get excited about the possibilities. At the very least, diving in to code is often the only place you can go where following the rules leads to predictable results.

The rest of life isn’t so easy like that.

Blurry again. Have to start taking my time.

My tech career positions up to the present time all required a “jack of all trades” approach. While we talked of grand visions and lofty, specific goals during job interviews, the jobs themselves all degraded. Typically, my days end up on the receiving end of “Call Paul, he can fix that.” In these jobs that promised to give my visions room and opportunity to grow, I find myself training people in desktop applications or writing policies instead of developing the next generation of web applications and documenting them.

Journey to hell starts out pretty

While speaking with the folks at Wolfram and witnessing their enthusiasm, I got the feeling that if I were to focus on something like, say, web application development, the results could would be awesome! With products and services like those Wolfram concentrates on, there could be specific goals that you are expected to reach, instead of vague notions that you can’t really get behind, and can’t really be held accountable for.

• I want to be held accountable for rather specific outcomes.
• I want to be pushed to make friendlier interfaces, faster applications, and better database schemas.

The only thing I’m pushed at now is patience, and that leaves me without much patience left when I get home. That needs to change.

* I just deleted a few paragraphs here that only pointed out negative things about numerous jobs. I don’t think that’s necessary, and would like to move forward on a positive note instead.

I could apply at places like Wolfram, but I’m not sure I have enough proof of my value at this point. While I could probably get hired in to some position, it likely wouldn’t be enough pay or wouldn’t lead to intense web development.

Wet and leafy sidewalks today

What I need to do, then, is develop proof of my abilities. I’ll be working hard to develop the next version of Data Genie as one big feather in my cap for that purpose. I’ll probably end up developing some tools for PHP, MySQL, and XML in general along the way. Hopefully, Data Genie and its offshoots will be enough to get me in the door of some established firm that will push me to grow and become self-actualized.

Have you cheated yourself out of something wonderful?

I know — without a doubt — that you have. We all have.

From day one, our lives possess infinite possibilities. Each day forward, some of those possibilities are whittled away, narrowing our potential.

The good filter

Example: I know that I will never jump naked from a cliff into the Grand Canyon and expect to live. Check that possibility off the list and put up a filter! The filter removes any further thoughts of possibly jumping from very high places with no equipment and expecting to live. (The naked part was thrown in to make you chuckle.)

The bad filter

Example: While growing up, people who cared about me preached a fear of the water. I was pretty much convinced that with one false move in the water, I would drown in a fraction of a second. I’m sure they thought they were doing me a favor, looking out for my safety.

That checked a possibility off my list in life. “You cannot swim like other people do, because you’ll die, because people who care about you told you so.” Filter in place. I still struggle with this today, in 2008, at age 37.

Filters come from people and experiences

Family and friends installed my “you can’t swim” filter. Note that I didn’t ask for their advice — I didn’t ask for this filter.

Jumping off the chicken shed while holding a red handkerchief like a parachute — that installed the “Grand Canyon” filter. I didn’t set out to install that filter, but experience put it in for me.

It’s seldom that we add filters on our own, but as we grow and become more jaded and cynical, we can’t ignore these limitations that have built up without our permission.

Fear creates filters

I cannot think of one such filter that is not rooted in fear. While some filters protect us from legitimate danger, others needlessly limit our lives. People and organizations will manipulate us with irrational fears, which may beget additional fears. We can experience something extraordinarily bad that’s very rare, but traumatizing. Our minds create filters based on those fears and traumas, keeping us from experiencing parts of life.

Filters work automatically

You don’t have to think in order for filters to work. Once a filter is in place, it works mindlessly to “protect you.”

• I wouldn’t have to stop and think before deciding to not jump into the Grand Canyon.
• I automatically avoid buzzing wasps.
• I go around mud puddles — you never know what’s in them.

Unfortunately…

• I don’t have to think about it to become nervous around bodies of water.
• No rational thought is required to conclude running your own business will ultimately lead to financial ruin and skid row.
• I don’t blink an eye before deciding teenagers don’t want anything to do with adults, so I shouldn’t talk with them because they’ll just make fun of me in some way.

Now isn’t that ridiculous?

Pay attention and grow your potential

Because filters work automatically, you have to consciously work to identify when a filter is at work in you, and whether that filter needs to be thrown out. One thing to look out for is a feeling of disgust or disappointment in yourself. When you experience self-doubt, are critical of yourself, or feel in some way ashamed, open your eyes and look for a filter. At that time, you are probably operating through a filter, and it is probably a bad one you should consider working to remove.

This works because under all the garbage, your heart knows when a filter hasn’t really proven itself necessary. Your mind picks up filters on a moments notice, saying “better safe than sorry,” but your heart still knows you may be limiting yourself needlessly.

Example:

• You had a bad relationship in the past where you were emotionally abused when you disagreed with your partner. In new relationships, a filter keeps you from speaking your mind, based on experience. Ultimately, the new relationships may fail because your partners are unable to really know who you are.
• You have a great idea for a business, but you’ve grown up being taught that a secure 9-to-5 is the only safe way to go. Your business plan gets chucked in the back of a drawer, as a filter tells you it’s not safe to stick your neck out and be more than you are today.

What if you didn’t filter here? What if you expressed yourself? What if you followed your passions and ignored warnings you know are largely trumped up or false?

Isn’t the potential worth the risk?