Color back inside the lines
What a week. For better or worse, I’m identifying with most traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD.) It has been exhilarating to read about a disorder that sums up pretty much all of the things I’ve been wrestling with for years. I always thought they were just different, dissociated personality quirks that each needed attacked individually, if I ever wanted to improve myself.
Blogging: A narcissist’s best friend
I considered blogging about the different ways NPD seemed to fit me, and the relief I felt each time I found an explanation for one of my behaviors. By the second day, though, the floodgates had opened and I had one realization after another. I’d have enough material right now to write a 6 month diary if I were to jot it all down.
How do you fix this thing?
The negative thing I found about NPD is that they aren’t really clear on what to do about it, how to “treat” someone. It was suggested that the False Self a narcissist creates has often torn the True Self to shreds, and there is not enough left of the True Self to salvage. Therapy apparently tries to help recreate an all new True Self.
Sorry, you’re not qualified
The funny thing about being a narcissist is that you don’t believe anyone can help you. The feeling of being superior to just about everyone (everyone) means you don’t think any therapist has anything to offer you. As I consider calling the “Resolutions” number at work to see about counseling, I feel like the first 2 or 3 sessions would be bullshit, probably read from a textbook, and by the 4th or 5th session they’d tell me I’m beyond the scope of what services they provide. So, why bother?
I decided I’ll take the following actions:
Color back inside the lines
I’ve tried, for the longest time, to go against the grain, in many ways. The thing is, as I look back, I don’t think that ever got me any of the gains I have made in life. I could write a whole post on this, and might later, but suffice it to say, I’m going to try to start “following the rules” more closely, stop fighting the current, and see what happens.
Stop revisiting old sources of narcissistic supply
This is the one that gets me in trouble with my spouse, that I never really understood until now. I haven’t done this since the last time we talked about it, since I was making penpals on Interpals. But, without making changes, it would only be a matter of time, probably, before I reached out again. While nothing physical ever happened, my spouse made it clear that emotional is still too far. Anyway, this is an easy step to take, because old sources of narcissistic supply are easy to distinguish. Contacting them and trying to stir things up only disrespects everyone involved, whether they realize it or not.
Pay attention to the motive behind my interactions
This one is more complicated. Basically, why am I interacting with someone? Why am I scheduling another public presentation? Is it because I am truly being friendly and enjoy their companionship? Or is it an attempt to pull some narcissistic supply from them?
While it’s the most difficult of the three tasks, it could prove the most important. After doing this for some time, it should help me become more emotionally intelligent, and more capable of forming and maintaining meaningful relationships.